


The Cuddlehouse

by Littlenaga



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Comedy, M/M, OC, The Cuddlehouse, Therapist AU, ooc, weirdness ahoy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1859145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlenaga/pseuds/Littlenaga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ivan Braginsky is a troubled adult balancing his social anxiety and other hostile insecurities with unscheduled visits with his eccentric therapist, Francis. After having his last treatment object end in a restraining order, Francis decides to play at yet another strange activity. Enter Alfred F. Jones, a new age social philosopher, and his brain child, The Cuddlehouse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cuddlehouse

“No, Missy, sil vous plait, you are not a goat. You weren’t a goat in a past life. Do not eat anymore grass. Just take one of the blue pills before lunch.”

  
Francis paused as the woman began screaming about how she needed the grass and wouldn’t eat any stupid salad. He covered the end of the phone to huff in frustration and calm himself down. Composure is key.

  
“Okay, remember what I said about the grass? It is full of chemicals, fertilizers, pesticides, manure even! No goat in their right mind would eat poisonous grass would they? Good, I’m glad you see it my way, good day Madame.”

  
He set the phone down with a clack and turned to see a menacing bruise colored fog creep further and further into his room. Sunlight only streamed through the bottom of the door and the lace curtains in the back of the office. The rest of the room was committed to the purple opaque blackness. Something large was waiting for him at the door, blocking his only escape.

  
Ah, his favorite patient. Always so dramatic. “Ivan, please stop with the theatrics. You’re always welcome in my office even though I would appreciate it if you scheduled your meetings more often. Come in, come.”

  
Francis kicked his feet onto his desk and leaned back into his leather chair for a comfortable position while he waited for his friend to enter. It always took some time but, he tried to keep all of his clients comfortable. Some of them were a bit…fleety.

“You lied to me.” A seething shadowy figure crept even nearer to the relaxed psychiatrist. “You lied to me… Francisss...” The menacing aura seemed to intensify; the color warping and becoming more bruise-like.

“Now, now,” Francis tsked at the venomous creature. “I never said it would work; I just thought it would this time. Can you put that purple stuff away for the while? It’s against office policies.”

  
“Eh? Really? Hokay, that I can do.” The purple manifestations twisted and dissipated into the air like smoke. In the reveal, a big scarf-clad man appeared! He rubbed the ends of his pale scarf between his fingertips and blushed as he scratched his rather prominent nose.

  
“Francis… I am feeling a bit naked now. Can’t I let out at least a little to cover my vitals? Uwah., the air is so cold on my fair steppe skin!” Ivan fidgeted a little as his clothed body was finally open to the world.

“Ohonhonhon! Nudity isn’t against office policies Ivan! In fact, it is encouraged for my patients to open up to me~ and what better way than physically, oui? Now, tell me what happened. Why didn’t the Buddy project activity work out? Did you and Toris not get along well? It’s hard to imagine… he’s such a nicely tempered young man.”

“Nyet, we got along really well!” Ivan nearly beamed at Francis before looking away; his cheeks heating up again. He twirled his fingers together and crossed his legs as he leaned to the side; his feathery hair drifting across his unusually violet eyes. “But… we must have got along too well. You see, I think he wanted to enter a relationship with me! But, you know the issue I have with that and almost strangled him with my scarf by accident in embarrassment. It was really traumatic for a softie like me, so I stopped going to the Buddy meets… do you think we’re still friends?” Ivan asked the last question almost worriedly.

  
When Ivan looked up for an answer, Francis’s face was twisted into an unnaturally large smile. “Oh dear, you strangled him?” He waved his hand in front of his face nervously as a confused crease formed between Ivan’s eyebrows.  
“Well yes, I said that didn’t I? With my scarf. Were you listening to me Francis?”

  
“Uhm, sorry I’ve been hard of hearing since I got a phone call from a few days back. The man nearly screamed at me.” Francis laughed and zoned out a bit as he thought back to the call. He frowned internally as the puzzle pieces connected in his mind.  
…  
The phone rattled away on his desk and the auto I.D program relayed the name.

  
“You have a call from Toris. Call from Toris number 7-7-1-“ Francis picked it up before the bot could finish, and held it near his ear. Big mistake.

  
“FRANCIS OH MY GOD!” A hoarse voice barreled straight through his ears like a gun and he had to struggle not fall from his chair. “No more! NO MORE! If I do this any longer I’ll end up dead. Your patient nearly killed me for no reason. There are BRUISES on my NECK!”

  
As soon as Francis could hear through the ringing in his ears, Toris had calmed down considerably. Once he had his thoughts in order again, a tired sigh soaked through from the other end of the line. He could hear the stress of years of therapy creep through. It chilled him considerably.

  
“I’m sorry Francis. As much as I’d like to continue helping you, I can’t. My stomach ulcers are only getting worse from this and it’s only been a week. You have to find someone else for Ivan. I’m going to go back to Poland for a while to visit a good friend of mine. I’ll continue therapy when I get back. Goodbye for now.” The line went dead and Francis was slightly horrified.  
…  
“Francis?” Ivan began sweating as he looked into his therapist’s eyes. They looked far off. Even dead, if you’d ask him.

  
The blonde shook his head to clear his eyes. What an intense flashback. “So I guess a new form of treatment is in order, oui Mr. Braginsky?” Ivan nodded and smiled one of his infamous, sweet half-smiles.

  
“Da!”  
A list of possible contacts scrolled through Francis’s mind immediately. He was a man of many social contacts, but it seemed he was running out of options for Ivan. “Good! Let’s see… Well, Ivan, as I’ve always told you, the first step starts with you. What do you like to do?”

  
“Stay at home and play with Koshka, my cat, of course! Yep. That’s about it. Sleeping is nice. Reading is nice. Making food is also nice. Cleaning my pipe is fun I suppose. Buying scarfs is necessary.” Ivan trailed off.  
“So nothing’s changed. You didn’t find any hobbies while you were in the Buddy program? None at all?” Francis goaded intently.

  
“Nothing sticks out.”

  
“In that case,” Francis continued with a suspicious shine in his eyes, “Let me recommend you to my close friend, Mr. Jones… He runs a facility that has most of your hobbies in the agenda. There’s a home, cats, sleep, and reading is optional. How does that sound?”

  
Ivan looked confused then thoughtful. A place for sleep? A hotel maybe? “That sounds like it would suit me. Da, I like the idea so far.”

  
“Great!” Francis smiled charmingly. “Alfred really is such a nice, handsome man; you’ll get along fine I just know, my dear! Ah ah, I’m getting flustered! This is going to be perfect!” Francis nearly spun around in his office chair before opening his desk drawer. Business cards, shiny, old, and new jumped out of the overflowing drawer. Francis plucked an especially flamboyant one out and shoved it into Ivan’s hands.

  
“His program doesn’t run far from your own apartment. About a 15 minute walk I would guess. I think this one will work this time, don’t you think so Ivan?”

  
“That’s what you said to me last time, isn’t it?” Ivan smiled deprecatingly and Francis snapped out of his moment of bliss. “I suppose I’ll have to try it anyways.” Ivan looked at the rainbow vomit colored card in his hand. “What an eyesore…”

  
“So follow the instructions on the card, alright? His phone’s on there if you need any additional information. Punch the address into your GPS on your smartphone. It should take you to there. I have another appointment right about now, though so I’ll have to kick you out. Tell me how it goes, ok?” Francis smiled as he rested his head on his hands as Ivan stared at him.

  
“I know you’re hiding something, Francis. You can’t fool me.” Without ripping his eyes away from Francis’s angelic face, Ivan slid back through the door. His aura surrounded him as soon as he stepped out; stunning the patient about to enter.

  
The patient shivered. A nervous woman with grass stains around her mouth. “My goat senses tell me that he is a very dangerous predator and you, Francis, are his prey.”

  
“Ah, Missy, you’re pretty early. However, as always, your goat senses are right on the mark.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this quite a while ago actually! I came across this idea on a midnight dreary and thought it'd be a nice way to fun write. Updates will probably be slow since I have other long stories. Hopefully, this story can close in a few chapters. It's something cute and non-serious. Any feedback is appreciated as usual.  
> Sidenote: Cuddlehouses are not a creation of my own. They do exist in this world. And they are VERY REAL. Check it out. It's kinda neato.


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